This is what happens when shit gets unreal

Dain Bramage

I recently spied this article on BoingBoing.net and, like many things that they post, it got me to thinking.

Go ahead and go look at this, I’ll wait: Alien Hand Syndrome sees woman attacked by her own hand

… mmmMMmm hmm hmmm…

I said go look, don’t just sit here.

You’re still here aren’t you? I mean it, go at least skim the article, there’s even a nice video for you to watch. Ok, so shoo and leave this window open and come back.

Ok, now close the pop-up ads and pay attention again.

Before your corups callosum is severed, your brain is fairly happy. There’s an Alpha side and and a Beta side and they work together well to do all of the tasks that you have to do during the day.


After the operation, suddenly the relationship turns rocky. It turns out that the left half of the brain never really loved the right half and still secretly hoped that it was half of the brain from a twin that was absorbed in the womb.

The right half of her brain was free from the shackles of her left brain and, like a child on Christmas morning, went berserk. With no one there to put it in timeout it started doing whatever the hell it wanted which, in her case, involved slapping her in the face, hard, repeatedly. Ok, so now imagine that you are in this woman’s unfortunate situation where your corpus callosum has been severed and suddenly the two hemispheres of your brain were no longer on speaking terms with each other.

Join me for a theoretical tour of “shit that would be hard to do if half of your brain didn’t want to listen to you”.

  1. Masturbation. You would have to get the other half of your brain “in the mood” before you could masturbate. Especially for the women if you want your disobedient hand to help out with the vibrator or the anal beads, you’re going to need cooperation from both hands to have a good time.
  2. Toss the perfect pizza crust. Ever see one of those guys throw a pizzs crust one handed?
  3. Play the theremin. Well, I suppose you could make some noise on it (which to be fair is all some people think is possible from it), but you certainly won’t be playing the Super Mario Brothers theme.
  4. Play Super Mario, or any console game for that matter. “Move left, godamn it! Now jump!” Your Call of Duty squad would frag you and leave your corpse for the birds.
  5. Give someone the “double bird”. I guess if both halves of your brain were pissed off at the person it might work. There’s also a chance that one of your hands would flip you off instead though.
  6. Yawn in peace. If your alien hand is annoyed it can try and gag you every time you get in the middle of a really good yawn.
  7. Play a musical instrument other than a kazoo. Not gonna happen.

Of course the flipside of having independent brains is that there are some activities that you can only do if you were the man (or woman) with two brains.

  1. Thumb wrestle yourself and have it be a fair fight.
  2. Roast two marshmallows perfectly at the same time.
  3. Play doubles tennis even if your partner was sick. If you and another person from the split brain support group got together, you could play a full set of doubles tennis with just the two of you.
  4. Perform magic tricks for yourself without knowing how they were done.
  5. Text and drive in perfect safety, possibly even sext and drive though that is a higher difficulty.
  6. High five yourself and mean it, yay us!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: