Who wrote all of this crap anyway?
- Nemo Scitis
This is what happens when shit gets unreal
Snowpocalypse, snowmageddon, epic shitstorm of a snowstorm, call it what you will, it is snowing. A lot. Here’s a picture of my front yard as seen from the bay window on the front of our house:
The only thing I don’t like about this storm aside from having to shovel out the driveway and the fact that I still have to work are the names that the media have come up with for it. Here I’d like to look at the names that they have been using, point out why they are stupid and then see if we can come up with well a better one.
The origins of this one are obviously Armageddon. Now, most of my friends think “Oh, well that’s like this bad thing that’s in the bible or something? Stop asking me such weird questions.” According to Wikipedia (which is never wrong, I might add), Armageddon is:
According to some premillennial Christian interpretations, the Messiah will return to earth and defeat the Antichrist (the “beast”) in the battle of Armageddon. Then Satan will be put into the “bottomless pit” or abyss for 1,000 years, known as the Millennial Age. After being released from the abyss, Satan will gather Gog and Magog (peoples of two specific nations) from the four corners of the earth. They will encamp surrounding the “holy ones” and the “beloved city” (this refers to Jerusalem). Fire will come down from God, out of heaven and devour Gog and Magog after the Millennium, and the Devil who deceived them is thrown into Gehenna (the Lake of Fire and brimstone, or Hell) where the Beast and the False Prophet have been since just before the 1,000 years.
I guess for a lot of people this would kind of suck but this is also referred to as the second coming of Christ which, for a shitload of people in the US (especially around where I live) this would be pretty awesome because they would finally get to go to Heaven and never have to face things like poverty or illegal aliens or scary people with different skin colors or, heaven forbid (for reals), homosexuals.
Comparing a big snowstorm to the second coming of Christ would be bad for a lot of people but with the Christian bias in the media, this is kind of a dumb choice.
Well, hey, guess what? The Apocalypse is the same damn event just by people who believe slightly differently than the people above (I guess Jesus wore brown instead of tan robes or something). The Apocalypse is supposed to herald the second coming of the Messiah and he is supposed to reign for 1000 years (which really isn’t that long if you think about it). So again, for Christians, Snowpocalypse = Yay, Jesus the snowman!
So we see that the two main names that are full of doom and gloom that the media has been using are flawed. For a better term, we need to turn to a group of people that kicked much more ass than pussy Christians: Vikings! For vikings, the end of the world was Ragnarök.
This is the end times as interpreted by the Norse. And, I think this is personally a more apt description. Again from Wikipedia:
In Norse mythology, Ragnarök (Old Norse “final destiny of the gods”) is a series of future events, including a great battle foretold to ultimately result in the death of a number of major figures (including the godsOdin, Thor, Týr, Freyr, Heimdallr, and Loki), the occurrence of various natural disasters, and the subsequent submersion of the world in water. Afterward, the world will resurface anew and fertile, the surviving and reborn gods will meet, and the world will be repopulated by two human survivors.
Hey, snow IS water! OMG! And then I guess it starts over like the Matrix or something, who knows? They drank alot. Snognarok also has the word “Snog” in it, which is a word Brits use to describe “making out” and as we all know, lots of babies are conceived during blizzards.
So go out there and enjoy your snow day thanks to EPIC SNOGNARÖK!
When I started Undermoderated, I had a vision of a place where the smartest and funniest people I knew could gather and share themselves with all of you and that it would become popular enough for us all to sell out and retire to our own private islands (please email email@example.com with offers).
I’m very excited to say that almost everyone I initially invited to join me on this ridiculous project has agreed to become a regular contributing author. The strange thing about this is that even though I know all of these people (and have known some of them for years), they have no idea who the other authors are. Almost all of them are total strangers to each other and they all come from a wide variety of backgrounds. Things that they do have in common: a sense of what is funny, intelligence and strong opinions.
It’s my hope that with such diverse people that we will have some
awsome fights great discussions and something funny and interesting to read for pretty much anyone who visits here. Come and join us, won’t you? Click that big button on the side there to be emailed whenever there’s a new post or subscribe to the RSS feed and leave us your comments to tell us how great we are or just how lonely you are.
I recently spied this article on BoingBoing.net and, like many things that they post, it got me to thinking.
Go ahead and go look at this, I’ll wait: Alien Hand Syndrome sees woman attacked by her own hand
… mmmMMmm hmm hmmm…
I said go look, don’t just sit here.
You’re still here aren’t you? I mean it, go at least skim the article, there’s even a nice video for you to watch. Ok, so shoo and leave this window open and come back.
Ok, now close the pop-up ads and pay attention again.
Before your corups callosum is severed, your brain is fairly happy. There’s an Alpha side and and a Beta side and they work together well to do all of the tasks that you have to do during the day.
After the operation, suddenly the relationship turns rocky. It turns out that the left half of the brain never really loved the right half and still secretly hoped that it was half of the brain from a twin that was absorbed in the womb.
The right half of her brain was free from the shackles of her left brain and, like a child on Christmas morning, went berserk. With no one there to put it in timeout it started doing whatever the hell it wanted which, in her case, involved slapping her in the face, hard, repeatedly. Ok, so now imagine that you are in this woman’s unfortunate situation where your corpus callosum has been severed and suddenly the two hemispheres of your brain were no longer on speaking terms with each other.
Join me for a theoretical tour of “shit that would be hard to do if half of your brain didn’t want to listen to you”.
Of course the flipside of having independent brains is that there are some activities that you can only do if you were the man (or woman) with two brains.
Our Congress has referred to the men and women of our armed forces as “our Nation’s most precious treasure“. Let me tell you as someone who served along side of some of these precious gems, there are some very stupid people in the military.
“But”, you say, “every soldier and sailor has to pass the ASVAB to be accepted into the armed forces before they can serve!”
How important is the ASVAB test?
Your scores in four critical areas — Arithmetic Reasoning, Word Knowledge, Paragraph Comprehension and Mathematics Knowledge (see below) — count towards your Armed Forces Qualifying Test (AFQT) score. The AFQT score determines whether you’re qualified to enlist in the U.S. military.
These are very basic assessment tests at about a ninth grade level. Once you’ve taken this test, you have to meet certain minimum standards according to “The ASVAB Explained“.
One of the most critical of these scores is the Armed Forces Qualification Test, which is used to determine if you are qualified to join the military service. Each service determines the qualification AFQT score for enlisting in their service.The AFQT is comprised of your test results in Arithmetic Reasoning (AR), Math Knowledge (MK), and Verbal Composite (VE) x 2. Your Verbal Composite score is a combination of your Word Knowledge and Paragraph Comprehension scores. Check out the following AFQT qualifying scores for each branch of service.
Service Branch Required AFQT Score Army 31 Navy 35 Marines 31 Air Force 36 Coast Guard 45
The AFQT is out of a possible 100 points. If you got a 31% on the test and are trying to get into the Army well, congratulations! 31% is a passing grade, please remember that the pointy part of the gun goes away from you!
“But”, you say again, “I was raised in a meth lab and lived off of rat carcasses and paint chips, how will I ever be able to serve my country?”
Well buck up my mouth breathing latrine cleaner, it is possible to get a special waiver to allow you to serve with scores even lower than those. Rejoice! You too can be like the young man I served with in the Navy. Let’s call him Seaman Recruit Smith.
SR Smith was a Boatswain’s Mate. Boatswain’s are responsible for maintaining the lines, deck and hull of the ship. Part of this involves using pneumatic chipping hammers and needle guns to blast off old rusty paint off of the decks and hull. Once the old paint is stripped off you then put primer on the bare metal and repaint it. Try to remember these steps because you will repeat them roughly sixteen billion times over your career. That’s a lot of work though so sometimes you just put new paint on over the rust, especially if time is short and an Admiral is coming for an inspection soon. This paint and, especially the primer, is very toxic stuff.
Forget the lead based paint chips that you were raised on, this paint probably has more heavy metals than the steel hull that you’re painting it on. Breathing the fumes from the primer kills as many braincells per breath as hard night of binge drinking. All of these toxic, flammable and dangerous paints and primers are all kept in one central location on the ship: The Paint Locker.
Whenever the paint locker is open, someone has to stand watch in it. I’m not sure exactly why anyone might want to steal/sabotage/huff toxic, flammable paint from the locker but someone has to stand there and make sure that all paint is signed in and out or the terrorists win. This person is also is responsible for mixing up the toxic epoxy-like mix that is the primer on the ships and gets a face full every time someone needs it.
This was the prime job for SR Smith. SR Smith thrived in the paint locker! He had responsibilities! He was in charge of all of the paint in the ship!
I guess the guys in charge of the deck division figured that no further damage that could be done to his mind since his remaining functional braincells had already been compressed inside of his head into a small lump with a hard protective shell like cerebellum gobstopper. He was always in the locker when it was open. They may have moved his bunk in there at one point, I’m not sure. After spending a couple of years on board with him, I managed to engage him in conversation one day and found out how he was able to get into the service.
Try to cover your amazement, but he had a waiver for his ASVAB score. His combined AFQT score was… 13. This makes him marginally more sentient than the paint that he so lovingly tended to. He might even have passed the Touring test.
So next Veteran’s Day just remember, not everyone who has served in the armed forces was doing it out of a sense of nobility and duty to God and Country. A lot of them joined because they really didn’t have any other options.
SR Smith, wherever you are, I hope that you stayed in for 20 years and retired with a nice fat retirement and disability check for the physical and mental damage you
suffered sustained while serving your country. You will no doubt need that income to help support you in your new career as a Quiznos sign holder.
If by some reason you feel the need to reach out and touch someone other than yourself, and you meet the criteria listed on the contact page, then you may show me how fantastic you are by contacting me at an email address that I sometimes actually look at. Huzzah!
To be honest, I don’t really know.
There’s been a feeling of “over connectedness” in my life and this site is an attempt to say, “F’ all that” and let me drop the filters and BS that I usually have up. Whenever I go on Twitter or Facebook or my family blog, sure, I can share “OMG I JUST POOPED! LOL!” which is very “OMG LIKE!” but I can’t really say things like, “I was looking at some porn the other day and this guy reached up and fisted this chick while she was cooking a meal and she got this really weird look on her face. I’m pretty sure that she thought she was going to be on some sort of local access cable cooking show right up until the point where this guy wearing the cheap rolex knockoff turned her into a slut muppet.”
Topics here I expect to range from politics to video games to sex and whatever other random crap my brain is feeling constipated by.
If by some strange chance one of my friends or family members stumbles across this blog some day and connects the dots to say “Holy crap, I’m going to KILL HIM for saying that!”, allow me to just say this:
“I am so, very, VERY sorry.”
EDIT: Moved this to the helpful about page.
Hello world. No seriously, I mean it.